Kthaahthikha

One man, a word-processor, and too much free time.

10 January, 2006

Purple Monkey Dishwasher

The Greatest Story never Told:

Starring:

Petra Statton

PLOT:

A young research scientist (Statton) opens a wormhole in space-time and accidentally allows ingress to a giant cyborg ant whose mission is to assassinate the prime-minister of a small African rogue state guilty of selling its illicit conflict diamonds to a mad scientist who intends to use them to build a giant laser and destroy the moon. The moon at this point in time houses a joint UN/ESA secret base set-up to communicate with extraterrestrials, the Yoongians, who are secretly plotting to take-over the Earth. In fact, the shape-shifting radioactive cyborg ant is from a future/dimension in which the Yoongians succeed, and must prevent the mad scientist from destroying the moon, and thus the front door to Earth.

Petra is the only hope to save the world from extra-terrestrial domination, and must do so by convincing the UN that the aliens are up to no good. She uses her wormhole to travel to the future and collect condemnatory evidence of this grim possibility, which she then takes with her to Geneva to show to the UN.

But en-route the plane carrying Petra is overcome by a mysterious

criminal being shipped to the Hague, who killed Petra's highschool headmaster and ken-jutsu instructor. After a tense battle, Petra dispatches the criminal and must land the plane herself whilst her ex-boyfriend (a former Navy Seal and astronaut-come-air traffic controller at the Geneva International Airport) must talk her through it amidst much unpacked emotional baggage.

At Geneva, the UN Security Council and heads of the ESA agree to see Petra's evidence. The robo-ant is now pursuing Petra, however, having dispatched the PM but finding still more to be done to ensure success. He plans to kill her and take her place, and does so to her ex-ex in order to get close to her. But during a romantic interlude the night prior to her presentation of conclusive evidence to the UN security council in a well-conceived Flash display, the ex-boyfriend Navy Seal arrives and battles the shape-shifting robo-ant assassin as it readies to murder Petra and sabotage her sabotage. The robo-ant (or 'Formicator') is knocked from a twelfth-story building and run-over by a Doctor Scholl truck.

Now the UN must race to stop the mad scientist from blowing the moon to bits, and Petra succeeds in convincing him to join the war against the Yoongians. The Yoongians have recently seized control of the Spanish civil-service, and loose hordes of primitive robo-ants against Europe from a secret the base in the Pyrenees.

Petra's ex-ex, being a Navy Seal astronaut passenger-liner pilot air-traffic controller, is chosen to lead the assault against alien hosts whilst the mad scientist and Petra develop an awesome Deus-Ex-Machinihilator to destroy the Yoongian mothership that was previously-thought to be Phobos, moon of Mars, and neutralise the deadly robo-ants and cyber-gnats.

They develop an EMP cannon as a salve to the problem of the mecha-bugs, then set to the larger problem. Petra and the mad scientist manage to create a wormhole, only in space and not in time (because due to the nature of parallel universes and timelines, even if they went back in time this timeline would be the same, although others would benefit), and Petra takes a crack squad of commandos (including ex-ex X. Allante) through the wormhole to the Yoongian home world.

They manage to destroy the Yoongian sub-ether power projectors which supply energy to the entire Yoongian inter-stellar battle-fleet, and discover that the Yoongians are in the midst of a war of attrition with the dreaded Phroit, and so seeking to escape to Earth.

All the commandos are killed trying to escape back through the wormhole to Earth, as is Ex-ex as he sacrifices himself to save Petra. But it is all for naught, the wormhole collapsing due to the vast distance it had to span. Also, due to the inaccurate nature of the wormhole across long distances, it will probably never reform any closer than ten thousand miles to the original spot.

And so Petra is marooned upon a hostile world, and finds herself the saviour of humanity but hemmed-in and threatened on all sides by vast and menacing sequels.

THE END.

Tom Meade, 4:38 pm